“I want it to end”

A 20 year old pedophile  is battling a severe depression. He’s ashamed for his sexual feelings towards children. He is fearful that he will eventually hurt a child. Worst of all he thinks and feels himself to be an embarrassment to his parents and his friends. It seems he has no one to talk to.

Eventually his depression leads him towards suicidal thoughts. He writes a final note explaining his feelings:

You are not going to like this but I have to say goodbye…
I guess this is it, I’ve gone over the edge
I’m writing a suicide note…

I am not well

I try to hide it but I’m freaking out
I don’t know what to do
I’m scared someone will find out what I am

I hate myself, how can anyone love me?

You are the only ones that love me and it’s for you I need to die
To save you from further embarrassment
So that you won’t be judged for having a gay pedophile for a son

I can’t bare the shame to tell you I failed every subject because I skipped class
I can’t sleep, then I sleep too late, then I decide to try again tomorrow
The next day I don’t want to have to face people and tell them why I skipped class
And it goes on, everyday I skipped all my classes and now I can’t recover

I photoshoped my grades so you wouldn’t find out I wasted your money and disappointed you
I haven’t stopped disappointing you
I don’t think I can change what I am, and I hate that
The thoughts keep coming back

Children are just so beautiful I can’t help being attracted to them
I’m so ashamed of these thoughts and my worst fear is I will one day act on them.\
If I just die
It will hurt at first but then it will be ok

You will be better off financially
There will be no more disappointment

No more shame
And no risk of me committing a worse crime

All good

Just forget I was even born
Or pretend I went to a far-away place

I need help but we can’t afford it and I don’t want you to waste your money

I can’t stop thinking about suicide and I don’t have any hope for a future
I don’t know why I have held on for so long
I can shut out the voices with games and music but that’s about it

I HATE being alone. When I’m alone my mind goes to this dark place
I imagine myself killing myself or hurting others

It’s so vivid

It’s like I can see a parallel universe where I finally lose my mind
God forbid I walk near a road

“Just jump, just jump, just jump”

I imagine myself jumping into traffic, slitting my wrist, or taking a gun from a cop and shooting myselfI can smile and even laugh, but then the thoughts come back and the smile disappears

It’s tiring to fake a smile all the time

All I have are bad memories
People I hurt
That birthday no one came to
The whole pedophile thing
Being fired for stealing money

I don’t have any close friends
No one I can confide in

I want it to end
I want my thoughts to stop


Today he is 22.  On Twitter he calls himself “The Recovering Pedo” (@depressed_pedo). He’s doing well. At the very last moment, just before he planned to take his own life,  he reached out for help. Therapy and a coming out to his best mate are now helping him to make sense of his situation.

Are you battling a severe depression because of your pedophilic feelings?
Please reach out. There is help available. Your sexual orientation does NOT make you a bad person.images

Do you feel lonely and want to talk about your sexual orientation? Leave a message here or get on Twitter. There are lot’s of pedophiles willing to talk to you, sharing their own experience on how they live with being a pedophile. It is not as horrible as you may think it is.

There are also various platforms for pedophiles who have a hard time dealing with their sexuality.
http://www.Virped.org / English
http://www.pedofilie.nl / Dutch
http://www.b4uact.org / English

Do you feel you are about to hurt yourself or others? Reach out for professional help. The young man of the speech reached out and walked into a hospital. You can also call a hotline that is available in your country.
UK: http://www.stopitnow.co.uk
USA: http://www.stopitnow.org
BE: http://www.stopitnow.be
NL: http://www.stopitnow.nl

Just remember: there are other ways to end your depression. There are people out there that understand. Reach out and give it a chance.

3 thoughts on ““I want it to end”

  1. The helpline address in the UK is stopitnow.org.uk, not .co.uk
    Don’t forget there is also Samaritans, or do go to your GP. And also please have a look at http://www.stopso.org.uk which can put you in touch with a specially-trained counsellor or therapist local to you. There is help available out there. You are not alone and there is help available. Please don’t give up. Keep on, and things will get better. The people who love you WANT YOU TO LIVE!

    Liked by 1 person

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