“I want it to end”

A 20 year old pedophile  is battling a severe depression. He’s ashamed for his sexual feelings towards children. He is fearful that he will eventually hurt a child. Worst of all he thinks and feels himself to be an embarrassment to his parents and his friends. It seems he has no one to talk to.

Eventually his depression leads him towards suicidal thoughts. He writes a final note explaining his feelings:

You are not going to like this but I have to say goodbye…
I guess this is it, I’ve gone over the edge
I’m writing a suicide note…

I am not well

I try to hide it but I’m freaking out
I don’t know what to do
I’m scared someone will find out what I am

I hate myself, how can anyone love me?

You are the only ones that love me and it’s for you I need to die
To save you from further embarrassment
So that you won’t be judged for having a gay pedophile for a son

I can’t bare the shame to tell you I failed every subject because I skipped class
I can’t sleep, then I sleep too late, then I decide to try again tomorrow
The next day I don’t want to have to face people and tell them why I skipped class
And it goes on, everyday I skipped all my classes and now I can’t recover

I photoshoped my grades so you wouldn’t find out I wasted your money and disappointed you
I haven’t stopped disappointing you
I don’t think I can change what I am, and I hate that
The thoughts keep coming back

Children are just so beautiful I can’t help being attracted to them
I’m so ashamed of these thoughts and my worst fear is I will one day act on them.\
If I just die
It will hurt at first but then it will be ok

You will be better off financially
There will be no more disappointment

No more shame
And no risk of me committing a worse crime

All good

Just forget I was even born
Or pretend I went to a far-away place

I need help but we can’t afford it and I don’t want you to waste your money

I can’t stop thinking about suicide and I don’t have any hope for a future
I don’t know why I have held on for so long
I can shut out the voices with games and music but that’s about it

I HATE being alone. When I’m alone my mind goes to this dark place
I imagine myself killing myself or hurting others

It’s so vivid

It’s like I can see a parallel universe where I finally lose my mind
God forbid I walk near a road

“Just jump, just jump, just jump”

I imagine myself jumping into traffic, slitting my wrist, or taking a gun from a cop and shooting myselfI can smile and even laugh, but then the thoughts come back and the smile disappears

It’s tiring to fake a smile all the time

All I have are bad memories
People I hurt
That birthday no one came to
The whole pedophile thing
Being fired for stealing money

I don’t have any close friends
No one I can confide in

I want it to end
I want my thoughts to stop

Sorry

Today he is 22.  On Twitter he calls himself “The Recovering Pedo” (@depressed_pedo). He’s doing well. At the very last moment, just before he planned to take his own life,  he reached out for help. Therapy and a coming out to his best mate are now helping him to make sense of his situation.

Are you battling a severe depression because of your pedophilic feelings?
Please reach out. There is help available. Your sexual orientation does NOT make you a bad person.images

Do you feel lonely and want to talk about your sexual orientation? Leave a message here or get on Twitter. There are lot’s of pedophiles willing to talk to you, sharing their own experience on how they live with being a pedophile. It is not as horrible as you may think it is.

There are also various platforms for pedophiles who have a hard time dealing with their sexuality.
http://www.Virped.org / English
http://www.pedofilie.nl / Dutch
http://www.b4uact.org / English

Do you feel you are about to hurt yourself or others? Reach out for professional help. The young man of the speech reached out and walked into a hospital. You can also call a hotline that is available in your country.
UK: http://www.stopitnow.co.uk
USA: http://www.stopitnow.org
BE: http://www.stopitnow.be
NL: http://www.stopitnow.nl

Just remember: there are other ways to end your depression. There are people out there that understand. Reach out and give it a chance.

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“A letter to my mother”

A young pedophile recently showed me the letter he wrote to his mother. He hasn’t found the courage yet to give it to her. Not yet. He did agree that I publish it here.

Hey mom,

I’m here to tell you how I feel
Tell you how I’ve been
Tell you that I’ve lied
Tell you the truth
And to tell you that I love you
Tell you I worry if you’ll love me after this

When you’ve asked how I’ve been
I’ve said I was fine
In truth, I’ve been far from fine
I’ve been horrible, cried, bit myself, cut myself,
thought about killing myself
All because I am… depressed.

I’m here to tell you what I think
Tell you how my opinions have been trapped in my head
Tell you how our beliefs are far from the same
Yes, those beliefs

I know you’ve tried to get me to go to church
You probably see past my shitty excuses
But at church I feel judged, I feel like I can’t be myself
At church I have so many objections
Please, I still want you to love me after this next line
All because I am… an atheist.

I’m here to tell what I am
Tell you who my “girlfriend” is
Tell you that I’m talking to guys
No, I’m not gay, it’s worse

I’ve been this way ever since I was a child
About 13, and you know the fucked images I saw
I still remember the time we were sitting on the sofa
Watching a movie, when you said that you were afraid
That you were afraid that I would turn into one of “those” men
But, you were wrong.

Well, partially wrong.
I will never do the things “those” men do
I will however… think, imagine, fantasize about what “those” men do

Please, I don’t want you to hate me
Remember when we were at the children psychratric
We were gonna have a meeting about what she reported
When I asked you to go, so I could talk to her alone You said,
“No matter what, I will still love you”
I, really hope that you will
Because I am… a pedophile.

I’m scared now
Tell me what you think, please
Tell me as soon as possible
Tell me that you still love me
Know that wanting to do something is not the same as doing something
Doing what “those” men do is horrible

But, I can’t change myself
I can’t change myself to not like… children
Please Still love me

Kindest regards,
your youngest son

Not alone

The struggles of a young pedophile

The 25-year-old Kloek speaks softly and formulates deliberate. He seems calm. Due to his large eyes it is as if he takes in the world with a sort of amazement. As if he only contemplates and judges the world. With himself standing at a safe distance.

His study is almost over. It’s time for a new future. Kloek has choices to make about work, living and whether or not to travel the world. He also has to makes choices about pursuing his dream; starting a family with a wife and children. Or with a lovely man. As long as he doesn’t have to live his life alone. As long as he doesn’t have to be alone. Much to his annoyance Kloek finds that his dream is slowly fading and elusive. Some very different feelings interfere with his desire to settle down. His attraction to boys between the ages of eight and thirteen upsets his dream. That one photo, now years ago, of that young boy puts everything in a different perspective. Kloek fell in love. Head over heels. With an underage boy.

The peace that Kloek radiates is covering his fierce stress. He holds up his hand to show that he sometimes trembles uncontrollably from the stress. “In recent months I haven’t been thinking clear. Like I wasn’t here for the full 100%. I have had a few lows.” The word low is typical for Kloek. He uses a small word but it represents a very dark period in his life. “Sometimes I’m literally sick of the tension. Maybe it’s more shame for my pedophilic feelings? I look at my sexual orientation almost with horror. For years I denied my feelings for boys. In recent months, I am no longer able to ignore it. The feelings are here. At school, at my internship and with my friends I hide these feelings and insecurities. The most bothersome, I think, is that I hide this for my parents.”

“…the easy way out of a depression…”

The stress has had an effect on his study results. Examinations often had to be retaken. The study plan was updated regularly. Kloek used all kinds of pretexts to sell this to his friends and family. His depression also had a rather large effect on his weight. “I think I lost 10 kilos in the last two months.” Out of shame and out of fear of rejection Kloek finds it difficult to talk about this with other people. “Outwardly I pretend everything is fine. I lie though. I only look like an ordinary man.”

Kloeks’ shame and self-hatred increases. “Until fairly recent self-destructive thoughts appeared during the evenings. My dream was fading so what can I still achieve? What motivation do I have for this life?” These thoughts were becoming more intense. Kloek increasingly thought of “the easy way” out of his depression. As he talks in peaceful manner, he constantly plays with the string of his hoodie. He pulls it. He bites on it. Then he puts it just below his eyes, over his nose. As if to hide behind it; as if he is seeking shelter.

“…a thumping heart and tears in my eyes of relief…”

Kloek is shocked when he realizes that his plan to commit suicide becomes concrete. He considered asking his parents for help but in the end decides not to. “I didn’t want to transfer my pain to my parents. They have plenty of other things to do. Besides I don’t think they even realize that I am going through a tough time. Or do they? Lately my mother calls remarkably often with the question: “Are you doing okay?” I should really go and talk to them sometime soon.”

Kloek decides to call the hotline for pedophiles “Stop it Now”. They offer him a conversation with a psychotherapist and refer him to Pedofilie.nl, an online Dutch platform that provides information, help and a forum. On the website he read the stories of other pedophiles, their struggles and their coming outs. He decides to tell his own story on the forum. Kloek writes: “I end this post with a thumping heart and tears in my eyes of relief.”

The following weeks the events develop rapidly. After his coming out on Pedofilie.nl, Kloek meets digitally and in real life other pedophiles and he visits Joris (a Dutch support group for and by pedophiles). “The stress has been reduced enormously.”

The next step Kloek wants to take is to come out to his parents. “I didn’t sleep last night. I had one of my lows again. Really, I’d better not be alone. I thought about my future, my sexual orientation, but most of all I thought about how to tell my parents. Maybe I should open a conversation by saying that lately I haven’t been feeling all that well. I can then tell them why that is. Or maybe I’ll just ask them: “Have you noticed that I do not fancy women my own age?” I would then let them ask me questions. On what pedophilia is and on the help that I have organized for myself recently. I want them to know that I will not get that depressed again easily. “

After this interview Kloek will be traveling to his parents. He has his parents to himself since there will be no other relatives visiting. He has two days to tell them about his pedophilia. Kloek doesn’t want his child-rich family to know anything about his orientation. He is afraid that they will treat him differently. “My mother speaks a lot about us. We’re a very open family. As is my grandmother. It would absolutely not be a good idea if she knows. It is a matter of time before the whole family will know. She won’t be doing that on purpose, but still.”

“When my parents know I will be doing 100% better.”

Coming out to his parents will be an unnerving climax after a long build up. “It will be very difficult. My mother will probably cry. I don’t know how my father will react. He’ll probably follow my mothers lead. I don’t really know how I will handle it myself. If I tell them in the evening, I might be allright. I am often more relaxed in the evening although it is also the time of day that I have less control over my emotions.”

Kloek has faith in a good outcome. “I think my parents will accept me and I am convinced that when my parents know I will be doing a 100% better. No longer will there be the awkward comments about girlfriends or grandchildren. After my coming out I am going to register on dating sites. I’m going to invest more time in that. I look forward to meeting new people. I hope I will meet some nice people. Maybe I’ll meet someone with whom I can share my life. “

Ben Kirssen, May 2016

——————

The coming out, several days after this interview, didn’t happen. Kloeks’ parents unexpectedly had familly members staying over.

A week later Kloek posts the following on Twitter:
“Hell of a day, told my parents that I fall in love with young boys. They understand it, love me and will help me fight. I’m extremely happy”

——————

The name Kloek is a pseudonym. The same applies for the author.
The Dutch version of this article can be found here on Pedofilie.nl.

A coming out that has to remain a secret

 

“As a boy Cody (23) used to be active and busy. He was always moving” says Elise. “That changed suddenly. He became a quiet and introvert adolescent.” Elise has asked herself many times what caused that change in her son. One evening, after dinner, she unexpectedly obtains a piece of the puzzle for which she had been looking for all these years. Cody tells her what has been bothering him all these years. It turns out he has pedophilic feelings for young boys.

Cody is a young man with a stylish beard. He is in his final year of technical college. A month ago he came out of the closet for the first time. At first he came out to his mother and several days later to his father. The family agrees to be interviewed for Pedofilie.nl, a Dutch platform for pedophilia.

Can you describe your sexual orientation?
Cody: “I fancy women of my own age as well as boys from 8 to 12. Those two different orientations are more or less equally divided, say 50/50. My attraction towards women is significantly less though than that of guys that are 100% straight. I notice this when I walk through town with my brother and my friends. They spot beautiful women a lot quicker and a lot more often than I do. However they don’t notice the beautiful boys. I do. But to be honest, I would rather not have had this sexual orientation.”

How did you discover that you were a pedophile?
“At twelve years old I used to babysit the boys next door. They were wonderful seven year old boys. They were very lively and I loved being with them. The boys didn’t seem ashamed of anything. They would show me their buttocks and much of the rest. I regularly had to talk to them about their behavior. About two years later I noticed that I increasingly enjoyed their stripping. I then realised what that meant. I have pedophilic feelings. I am sick, I thought to myself.
I tried to surpress my feelings. Of course that didn’t work and I slowly went into a severe depression. It felt terrible. I became more and more quiet and focussed on myself. I was increasingly annoyed with people complaining about how difficult life is. Quietly I would think to myself: “Oh please, you have no idea how difficult life is!” I still have some feelings of depression but since I told my parents that feeling has decreased considerably.

I read all kinds of stories about coming out of the closet. That encouraged me.

Why did you come out of the closet?
When I realised that I was a pedophile I said to myself: “I am taking this into my grave. This will never come out.” As I grew older I noticed this is very hard to keep to yourself. On Pedofilie.nl I read all kinds of stories about coming out of the closet. That encouraged me. With my hands shaking I wrote my own story on the website. For a long time after that I regularly checked the website for responses. It was such a relief when I received normal and humane responses.”

Did you then decide to come out to your parents?
“No. Actually I wanted to write them a letter. My father was away on a business trip for a few day and I had a fun day with my mother. That evening, after dinner, I suddenly felt very depressed. I couldn’t do anything but stare at my glass. “Are you contemplating your sins?” my mother asked. Meanwhile my respiration increased. It was like I was in some sort of trance, staring at my glass. While I was sitting there I thought: “Am I really going to say it?” In the years before I had carefully considered all kinds of possible scenarios of a coming out. And now it seemed as if coming out could no longer be avoided. By now my mother realized something was seriously wrong. “What is it? What is it?” she asked me repeatedly. “Honey, whatever it is, I will always love you and you will always be my son.” Even then it took minutes before I could say: “Mom, I have a big problem. I feel a strong attraction towards young boys.”

Elise is visibly emotional. The coming out of Cody has rocked their world. Several days after his coming out to his mother, Cody also told his father. At first Joost reacted surprised at Cody’s story. “He told his story in bits and pieces. But you can’t do anything about a sexual orientation. It is not a disease or something.”

How sad is a coming out like this for a parent?
Elise: “Quite sad. I was thunderstruck for a while. I never thought that Cody could be a pedophile. I know people that were sexually abused as children. That thankfully isn’t the case with Cody. But Cody’s story is completely new to me. I never knew that this could be one of the possibilties. That is why it was such a big revelation. The first few days it was on my mind constantly, every minute of the day. I really needed to talk with my best friend. I wanted to shout to her: “You have to come over NOW. I have something to say.” But I didn’t and I haven’t told her. Cody’s coming out obliges me to secrecy.”

Joost: “We want to protect Cody. So we rather keep this to ourselves. I asked him many questions after his coming out. I asked him what it feels like to be a pedophile and about sexuality. I understand how he can be moved by children. The fact that he is a pedophile is something he and I can’t do much about. You either have this orientation or you don’t. What I find absolutely awful is that he had to keep this to himself for so many years.”

How did you experience the coming out itself?
Elise: “I held Cody for at least an hour. One of the first questions I asked was if he was or would be sexually active. He had quite a definite answer on that: “That will never happen. Never.” I trust him on that. Thankfully Cody answered all my questions that evening. That makes a difference because I was reassured the same evening. Cody specifically invited us to ask questions. During the evening a whole new world opened up to me, a new dimension that I did not know existed. After three to four hours of talking I said to Cody: “Go out to town and go have yourself a drink”. I too had a drink that evening.”

I never read about this in women’s magazines or magazines about parenting.

Did it change your views on pedophilia?
Elise: “Yes, 100%. I always automatically assumed: pedophiles are evil. They sexually abuse children. I have learned now that pedophiles are by far not the largest group of child sex abusers. That your own child could be a pedophile is never discussed. I wish that people understand the impact it has when your son confronts you with this. A lot more attention should be paid to this subject. I never read about this in women’s magazines or magazines about parenting. You only read about abuse. That your own child can be a pedophile, without being an abuser, should be discussed openly. That is why I am here.”

What are your views on the future?
Joost: “I hope that Cody can fit this into his life. He is a stable young man. I know he is not going to be a sex offender. I am convinced he has that morality. But even so, this is not something you wish for you child. It would have been easier if he was gay.”
Elise: “It is his choice how he will shape his life. He is the one that has to make something of it. I would love to help him with that. But to be honest, I have my fears. The fear that my child will not be happy.”
Cody: “In school I hear my fellow students talking and judging. I realize I belong to the outcasts of this world. To use an understatement: that isn’t much fun. I try not to let it get to me too much. I have no fear that I will break the law. The last thing I want to do is hurt a child. My hope for the future is to have a girlfriend. That would be nice.”

Coming out is such a relief. It is a world of difference.

What would you recommend young pedophiles that struggle with telling their parents or others?
Joost: “This is big. Very big. All things considerd I can’t tell someone else to do a coming out. Everyone should make his own choices in this. If you are going to tell, tell it to people you trust for the full 100%. Cody’s coming out turned out really well for him and for us. I am happy to know what is going on.”

Cody: “Coming out is such a relief. It is a world of difference. Even just the coming out on Pedofilie.nl. I had a euforic feeling when I shared my story. Of course I also received some criticism and sharp questions from my parents. That is fine. That too needs to be discussed. It is however especially nice to see that even than the dialogue remains. If I were to advice parents I would say talk as much as possible about pedophilia after the coming out. Ask your son questions and remember: pedophiles are not by definition bad people.”

The coming out of Cody was four weeks prior to this interview. In the weeks following his coming out Cody’s parents were able to get some perspective on the matter. They can even make jokes about it. Cody’s story is also giving Elise some hope for the future. “We often talk about it. For me lots of pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall into place. It explains the change of the spirited teen into the quiet young man. I hope I will get my son back again.”

—————–
by Ben Kirssen, The Netherlands, April 2016

The names Cody, Elise and Joost are pseudonyms. That also applies to the name of the author.
The Dutch version of this article can be found here on Pedofilie.nl.

What’s the hardest truth you had to accept that made you stronger?

This question was asked on Quora.com. My answer was:

“That I am a pedophile and that nothing in this world is going to change that. I accepted the fact that I was sexually attracted to teen boys. I chose to live my own life and not some surrogate life in which I married, got children and made everyone around me believe I was a regular straight guy.

I came out to friends and family, had difficult discussions on what is acceptable behavior, vowed to honour all boys in my life, be of value to them in which ever way I could and not to have sex with them. A vow I have upheld for more than 30 years now.

Against all odds I have created quite a good life for myself. I have great friends, wonderful family and a few boys that I get to spend time with. Being single has some pro’s. I get to travel the world and not having to be home by supper does wonders for ones career.

Accepting that I am a pedophile and will never  have sex is not an easy reality. But yes…is has made me a stronger personality for it. ”

 

Do we really need to research dolls?

This past week there has been a buzz around he Japanese company Trottla that produces life like dolls of girls. Shin Tagaki, who is a pedophile himself, thinks his dolls are “…helping people express their desires, legally and ethically.” The article that first appeared in The Atlantic caused a stir in the world. Well, within the media and amongst experts that is. And pedophiles.

images

The central question posed by The Atlantic was: “Can child dolls keep pedophiles from offending?” Several experts have since expressed their views on this. In the article Michael Seto, a leading researcher on the subject of pedophilia, says that there is no reliable data available. He then goes on to speculate that the dolls might be good for some pedophiles, but perhaps not for others. And why should the dolls not be good for some? Seto: “…these substitutes might only aggravate their sense of frustration. He quickly adds: “We don’t know, because the research hasn’t been done ”

Peter Fagan of the John Hopkins University, known for its many studies on pedophilia, is more explicit: “Contact with Trottla’s products would likely have a “reinforcing effect” on pedophilic ideation and in many instances, cause it to be acted upon with greater urgency.”

Jan Hendriks, a university scholar of forensic psychology in The Netherlands, says: “It could be that by using (the dolls) pedophiles bother children more quickly.” He also stipulates that there is no research data available.

To summarize: There is no available knowledge about the presumption that pedophiles resort to sex with children after playing with the dolls. Erik van Beek, a Dutch sexuologist, has for several years now been pleading to study the effects of virtual child pornography for pedophiles. But both Dutch and American legislation prevent this kind of research. In the past week many scientist have stated that more research on the effects of these dolls is needed. More knowledge is always good, however….

The frame of these studies is focused too much on pedophiles and not enough on the prevention of sexual abuse of children. Should the latter not be the primairy goal? If so than research funds should be made available to those studies that have the highest expected return on its investment. It catches the eye that when pleading for more research none of the experts mentioned research on effective preventive measures against child sexual abuse by non pedophiles. They are however the largest group of perpetrators of child sexual abuse. (80% of child sexual abuse is committed by non pedophiles).

The current research focuses exclusively on the smallest group of perpetrators (pedophiles) and within this group they now want to study those that derive sexual pleasure by using life like dolls. On a worldwide scale how many would there be?

By systematically ignoring the elephant in the room, researchers show that prevention of sexual abuse is their secondary goal. Studying pedophiles seems to be their first.

There is another reason why the call for more studies regarding pedophiles is worrying. The premise seems to be that a sexual fantasy of a pedophile may lead to sexual abuse. It would be safe to presume that most pedophiles do not own a Trottla doll because Trottla produces solely girl dolls. Nonetheless pedophiles have sexual fantasies. A study as proposed by Michael Seto (and others) would want to study all those fantasies. The pedophile that from time to time kisses his head pillow as part of a (private) fantasy in which the child of his dreams is laying next to him, is according to their hypotheses potentially dangerous.

These proposed studies transfer the current focus on those in need of help coping with their sexuality towards taking measures against pedophiles who have fantasies. That is a radical measure for the smallest group of perpetrators. That effect is strengthened by systematically avoiding the elephant in the room. Pedophiles are not the largest risk group when it comes to child sexual abuse.

More knowledge? Yes please. But only if it is balanced and focused on prevention by all groups of perpetrators. The sexual abuse of children seems an urgent enough theme for such an approach.

———–

Ben Kirssen

The article by Atlantic can be found here.

What woud you say to or ask a pedophile if you were face to face with him?

Question on @Quora: What woud you say to or ask a pedophile if you were face to face with him?

Everyone is always saying that pedophiles are hated so much. And yes there are some prime examples of that being the case.

But I also (would like to) think that there is a large group of people, that keep rather quiet, that have a more fact based view on pedophiles. I

They seem to have the ability to distinguish between a child sexl abuser and a pedophile.

So if you were facing a real life pedophile, and you kind of are, what would you say?

What woud you say to or ask a pedophile if you were face to face with him?